


The sky is dull, I fade away

by vampirevessel



Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Daydreaming, Depressed Jung Taekwoon | Leo, Depression, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Insomnia, Instrusive Thoughts, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts, but i hope it comes through, did i even mention them?, idk - Freeform, maladaptive daydreaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 06:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19056697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirevessel/pseuds/vampirevessel
Summary: it will get better





	The sky is dull, I fade away

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this cause i'm pissed of people telling me to "just sleep more" and drink less energy drinks when they don't know shit.
> 
>  
> 
> i wanna show a few things with this that have been on my mind for a long time.
> 
> 1\. if it makes you happy, nobody has the right to tell you your love for an idol is childish or something. nobody.  
> 2\. sometimes the thoughts in your head aren't your own. you need to realize that. what you're thinking is not you and is doesn't make you disgusting or a bad person.  
> 3\. don't try to change other people's lifes or behaviors when you don't know what they're going through. if you care, ask. if you don't care, let them live.
> 
> (also, this isn't edited, sorry for that. don't bash me.)

there were guns and knives and screaming students. he blinked and everyone was sitting on their seats, working with their books. everything was quiet. he was scared of the person that stood there, in the middle of the class, tall, fully dressed in black. the other students were working quietly. the person looked at up and pointed their gun at him. taekwoon sat up and slapped himself in the face. the girl next to him gave him a weird glance, then continued working on her exercises. taekwoon looked at his book, trying to form proper words with the syllables he saw but nothing made sense, everything was blurred. he stood up and left the class, walking straight up to the boys' bathroom. the person was gone. he splashed some water in his face and looked at the mirror. dark circles under his eyes, which were mostly covered by his greasy, black hair. he slapped himself again, trying to wake himself up and look less dead with some color on his cheeks. 

someone entered the room and looked at him, then walked to one of the urinals. he kept looking at him and taekwoon couldn't interpret his expression. was he happy? amused? disgusted? disturbed? everything was blurry. taekwoon continued to stare at the mirror but still felt the other's eyes on him. the next thing he knew was the boy standing next to him, washing his hands. he left the room without a word and taekwoon closed his eyes. there was the person again, dressed in all black, a knife in their hand. taekwoon slapped himself and the person was gone.

»you're fucked up, so fucked up.« he whispered to himself, splashing water on his face once again before his left fist met the white tiles on the wall. a stinging pain rushed through his body, then it was gone. he scoffed and went back to his class. the teacher didn't say anything, nor did the students. when he sat down, the girl looked at him again as she did before he left. taekwoon wanted to shout at her, choke her, stab her, the guy was back. he stared at taekwoon from the other side of the room, holding the knife out as if he wanted to give it to taekwoon. his hands formed fists and the pain that shot through his left hand up his arm woke him up again. he stared at his already bruising knuckles and pressed at the purple spots. everything was blurry but he was awake. the guy wasn't there. then he heard the bell ringing and everyone started packing their stuff to go to their next lesson. taekwoon followed slowly, his pens were never unpacked so he just had to grab his bag and book and could follow the other students.

»you're the last one so please clean the board.« taekwoon put his book on the teacher's desk and took the cloth to clean the white board from everything the teacher had written down over the lesson. he hadn't noted a single one of them. after that was done he left the room, trying to remember where his next class was. after pulling his hood over his head and putting his earphones in, he decided to just go back to his actual classroom. khalid's voice calmed him a bit and focussing on the words he couldn't translate, trying to understand them anyway, kept him at least a bit awake.

when he got back to his classroom the door was unlocked so he entered the room without knocking and sat down on his seat. the teacher said something, at least her lips moved, but he only heard the comforting sound of a killedmyself song. she turned around and continued with her lesson. after a while his head felt so unbelievably heavy, it was hard to keep it up but he tried his best. yet that didn't keep the black figure from staring at him. taekwoon snapped his head to the side and pressed on his bruised knuckles but there was no pain, it just felt numb. his hands formed tight fists on the table and he stared at the surface, eyes open as wide as possible. everything hurt, his eyes felt dry, his head heavy. now the black figure stood right in front of him but he still couldn't recognize him. the way the body was built seemed more masculine than feminine but also not masculine at all. taekwoon opened his eyes widely again and stared at the colors on his knuckles. green, blue, red, purple. blue, red, purple, green. purple, blue, green, red. now the person stood right next to his teacher with a knife in his left hand and a gun in the right but he didn't look at her. he looked at taekwoon, then at his hands, as if he wanted him to choose. everything hurt. tears started swelling from his eyes and he just wanted to scream and punch something or someone, choke someone, slit their throat. a quiet sob left his mouth. the person grinned at him. taekwoon's thoughts screamed at him. screamed to let him live in peace, to just leave him alone, and the person screamed back but he didn't understand a word. it sounded so strange, as if they were under water, but they weren't. he slapped himself again and was convinced that his cheeks must be red by now and it probably looked even worse on his pale skin than it actually was.

when he noticed the girl next to him packing her stuff he grabbed his bag and left the class before anyone else. it was too much, just too much, everything hurt. taekwoon pulled his hair to stay awake and ran downstair, almost tripping twice but in the end he couldn't care less. the bus stop was already filled with yelling kids so he just sat down on a bench and prayed that their annoying screams would keep the black person away. it worked well but he felt like absolute shit. his hand started hurting with every smallest movement, his head hurt from all the loud noises and his eyes were burning.

finally the bus arrived and he entered it with only two other students, all of them sitting somewhere completely else. he pulled his knees up to his chest and tried to keep the tears in. he had managed it for hours (except for a small exception) so he could keep them in for a bit longer now. with everytime the bus stopped, more people entered but nobody sat next to him. he was grateful for that but didn't want to know what all the people were thinking when they saw him, curled up on a seat with red cheeks, red eyes, dressed in smelly black clothes, hair greasy from not washing it for days. a sob left his mouth, followed by a shocked gasp. he didn't want to draw even more attention towards himself. with the time people stopped entering the bus and left instead. sometimes the person stood next to the door, just a few feet away from taekwoon, and threatened to push the students out of the bus. taekwoon pulled his sleeve up and bit his arm as hard as he could, his teeth hurt and he could feel the bone under his teeth, only covered by skin and a thin layer of whatever was underneath that. he could feel the bone, basically chewed on it, and the person came back with a knife, attempting to stab the people who left the bus.

»go away. go away. go away.« he wasn't sure if the words actually left his mouth but if they did, they were so quiet that nobody could hear them. when he looked out of the window and saw the familiar scenery, he stood up quickly and stepped on the place where the person was earlier. the bus stopped, door opened and taekwoon wanted to run, he really wanted to, but his legs didn't do what he wanted. actually, he was surprised that hadn't fully given in yet. never before has he felt so weak and pathetic. all this wasn't worth it. tears threatened to finally leave his eyes but he held it back. he couldn't cry now, so close before finally being in his room. his bag felt so heavy on his shoulder, the shoes too heavy and tight on his feet. everything hurt. as he reached the door he got the key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, closing it quietly. he walked upstairs, unlocked the second door and entered the apartment with his shoes on, then went upstairs and as soon as his passed the threshold to his room the tears starting flowing down his cheeks like waterfalls. his phone vibrated a few times as it connected to the wifi and taekwoon opened his laptop, then got greeted by a photo of himself, an arm swung around his shoulders and a beautiful, smiling boy next to him. he typed in the password and saw another picture of that boy, laying on his bed, sending a finger heart to the camera. words couldn't describe how much he loved this boy. an alarm went off on his laptop and the boy's voice appeared.

»i hope you had a nice day, love! and if not, that's okay. everyone has bad days sometimes. make sure to eat and drink enough and get some sleep, okay? you deserve it. love you!« he loved this boy so much.

**Author's Note:**

> you get a cookie if you can tell me where the title is from.


End file.
